Just to bring this up to speed...from WI, we drove to AR, where we have been staying. As stated previously, I can go nowhere without incident, and that drive was no exception. We were driving merrily along somewhere in the middle-of-nowhere north AR, when we passed a gas station. I glanced at my gauge & decided I had a bit more left & kept driving. Well...we were definitely in the middle-of-NOWHERE, because some miles down the road and Calvin was on empty, and still...no gas. I was thinking, "Seriously, this has to happen to me?" Some more miles and he was below EMPTY and yet...no gas. At which point I was pretty much thinking, "Where is a gas station?!?", and that was pretty much the only thing I was thinking. Finally, I saw gas, pulled off the freeway and felt immensely relieved. I parked at the pumps, walked up to the door and tried to open it, just to find it locked. The grouchy, overweight, just-finished-her-shift woman behind the counter stared at me & yelled, "We're closed." No kidding...I though you just randomly locked your door as a practical joke. I looked at the hours posted at the door, and noticed that they closed at 8:00, so I walked back to the car & discovered that it was 7:55. Aha! So, I went to the window right by the lady & yelled, "I'm out of gas". She stared at me. I stared back. For a minute, I was sure she was just going to ignore me, but she finally walked over to the door & said something about having already closed the cash register. She was nice enough to volunteer to follow me to the closest gas station, which I took her up on, even though I was mad enough to take her head off. We managed to have enough gas to make the four mile trip, at the end of which I thanked the lady, while she thanked me for the inconvenience. Either way, we got gas & were on our way without further incident.
Since arriving in AR, Calvin has proved to be quite the brat: blowing a fuse, needing oil, smelling hot...to name a few of his antics. Seriously, I think he just likes extra attention, or something. I guess I gave him enough for now, because he is doing fine.
So, now I'm living in a shed, trying to figure out what happens next, and enjoying the antics of the little girls...
The 10 yr old: "I have an encouraging word for you"
Me: "Yeah?"
J: "Drugs."
Me: *raises eyebrows*
J: "Yes... drugs, not hugs"
Yeah...it's been interesting.
P.S. All you Northerners should know that I have been running around in a t-shirt. In February. Yep.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Half-Brains
Weather forecasts lie. It must be part of the conspiracy to trick us into thinking...I don't know what, really, but it tricked me into thinking the drive from MI to WI was going to be without incident. Ha ha. Apparently, I can't go anywhere with out incident. With 60 miles to go 'till Chicago, it started snowing. Ok, whatever. A few miles down the road, though & it was a whiteout. Uh oh. A few more miles & a half frozen looking cop was directing everyone off the interstate, which was covered in several inches of snow. NOT cool. I tried not to think of Calvin's totally-not-made-for-snow tires, followed the line of trucks along a back road, and perfected my reading-the-atlas-while-driving skills, all at the same time, thank you. By the way, I have a magic atlas. You see, this atlas received its magical powers sometime last summer when it got drenched in gasoline. Now, all you have to do is breathe deeply as you flip the pages & you will be filled with ancient wisdom. Well, maybe not, but you will feel better about any situation you are in at the moment. So after receiving ancient wisdom & meandering a few more miles, I found my way out of the storm & back to the interstate. It was magical.
Then I got to a toll booth. I saw that cars cost a flat rate of 60 cents, so I dug 2 quarters & a dime out of the cup holder & tried to feed them into the coin slot, just to drop a quarter onto the ground. I opened my door and looked down to get it, only to see a BUNCH of change that others had dropped & were too lazy to pick up. So, I collected it, including a couple gold dollars, and was feeling so good about myself that I just might have stuffed some extra money into the slot, but either way, the gate went up & I as on my way.
Sometime later, I ended up in WI, where I was welcomed by a bunch of people, and Gracie. I have not yet figured out what Gracie is. Anyways, like me, this bunch of people came from the far corners of the world to hang out & have fun for a week. Of course, this also included a jump into Lake Michigan, which is part of "having fun".
At one point, we were referred to as the Sisterhood of the Traveling Half-Brains. I don't know why, maybe the missing half of my brain knows.
So, one evening, it was announced that we were going to have a surprise supper. In case you don't know what a surprise supper is...never mind, I don't feel like explaining, you are uninformed. I was rather disturbed because I was envisioning the surprise supper I was at once where silverware was on the menu & unless you got lucky, you were probably going to be eating your mashed potatoes with your hands. However, they informed me that I was getting silverware. To keep. For free. I no longer needed counseling. And then, the most amazing thing happened: I got dessert first! Score! I informed the others that it's always important to eat dessert first, because you never know when the rapture will happen. They said they didn't know why I was worried about that. Apparently, they did not notice my angelic aura.
Sierra was immensely proud of herself for walking barefoot in the snow. I was not impressed, so I went out and walked to the mailbox and back. She was not to be outdone & came with me, I'm not sure why, because she was yelling insults at me the entire way. It was even the Sabbath. For shame. She liked me again, though, after her feet thawed out. I don't know why.
Of course, we had great fun freezing ourselves half to death. On the day of insanity: the air temp was 17 degrees, but of course Lake Michigan was much warmer, at a balmy 33, with small chunks of floating ice. It was splendid. We had to stand around on the icy bank for a while, during which time the thought actually crossed my mind for the first time: "It's rather cold out here. Why am I doing this?" I actually think the last part of this thought got stuck at my mouth as it was flying across my brain & ended up coming out in a half-yell.
When our enter/exit spot was chosen & everyone was ready, we were told to take off our coats so we could get pictures. I think it had something to do with everyone doing something epic in matching t-shirts, but at the time I didn't really care. I was, well...COLD. So I just jumped up & down & yelled a bit, pausing every now & then to look photogenic. Finally, they were done torturing us, and we were told we could now enter the water, which I did. By the way, doing epic things are much more fun if you do them in your own style, so I entered (and exited) the water in what else but jeans? Anyways, during the whole trudge towards deeper water, I didn't feel cold at all. Shocking. When I was deep enough, I plunged all the way in, and when I came out, I felt... well...FRIGID. Note to self: next time, do not come out, just stay in & all will be well in the world. Until the bubbles stop. I attempted a howl, but it just came out like more of a screech. I then proceeded to hightail it out of the water, yelling stuff about coldness the entire way, but it also came out rather unintelligible. Someone thought it sounded like a warrior yell, & told me they were rather inspired as they were heading in, so I will just pretend that is what I was going for. You should know: yelling is an essential part of polar bear plunging.
Once out, I wrapped my head in a towel, put on a hoodie & coat & hopped in a cooler of warm water to trick myself into thinking I was warm. It didn't work. Then, I mostly just stood there, apparently looking frozen because people kept offering warm things to me. Once everyone was out & sufficiently wrapped in dry clothes, we walked to the vehicles. At this point, I have a distinct impression that *some people* doubted my ability to operate a vehicle, but I assured them I was good, and then proceeded to drive back. I really don't know what their deal was.
I pretty much spent the next, oh...I don't know...20 hours or so sleeping & shivering & of course, feeling good about my life.
But then, it snowed some more, so of course we had to go sledding. As we were hauling a bunch of tubes to a hill, we walked past a piece of a broken plastic saucer, left to die by its cold-hearted owner. I grabbed it & declared ownership. I tried it, but it really didn't work, so I deserted it and just used the tubes. Cruel & unusual, I know. After bit, I got bored of going down the hill in the normal way & decided to introduce all the Southerners to my family's style sledding. Basically, you see how many people you can pack onto one sled/tube/whatever and still make it to the bottom of the hill. We started with a medium sized tube & after each successful trip, we added one more person. On one trip, I fell off, but refused to let go, so I got dragged all the way to the bottom; it was epic. Actually, it was just cold. We eventually got 6 people on the tube & made a successful run. But then there were no more volunteers & we decided we wanted to watch Gracie roll to the bottom in a t-shirt. For the record, she can not roll straight...at all.
The next day, we went to a park thingy, where there was a body of water that the Wisconsinites call a river. Folks... it's actually a creek, but whatever. It had frozen over in some places, and then had several inches of snow on top. I suggested that it could probably be crossed, and of course Gracie replied with, "After you." So, I walked across, after all, if I had broken through, my feet & legs where the only things that would get wet. But it doesn't matter because the ice did not break and Gracie, because she said she would if I did, followed. I guess Whitney preferred to guarantee her warm, dry state, because she didn't come. We wandered around & saw lots of trees & snow & patches of grass. For being in the middle of a city, it was nice. Both Gracie & I managed to break through random ice at one point. It was lame. I got cold; I have no clue why my body thermostat was messed up. Really.
All in all, it was a very good week. Oh, and for the record, I might possibly know who was responsible for the alleged snowmen on the random sidewalk.
Then I got to a toll booth. I saw that cars cost a flat rate of 60 cents, so I dug 2 quarters & a dime out of the cup holder & tried to feed them into the coin slot, just to drop a quarter onto the ground. I opened my door and looked down to get it, only to see a BUNCH of change that others had dropped & were too lazy to pick up. So, I collected it, including a couple gold dollars, and was feeling so good about myself that I just might have stuffed some extra money into the slot, but either way, the gate went up & I as on my way.
Sometime later, I ended up in WI, where I was welcomed by a bunch of people, and Gracie. I have not yet figured out what Gracie is. Anyways, like me, this bunch of people came from the far corners of the world to hang out & have fun for a week. Of course, this also included a jump into Lake Michigan, which is part of "having fun".
At one point, we were referred to as the Sisterhood of the Traveling Half-Brains. I don't know why, maybe the missing half of my brain knows.
So, one evening, it was announced that we were going to have a surprise supper. In case you don't know what a surprise supper is...never mind, I don't feel like explaining, you are uninformed. I was rather disturbed because I was envisioning the surprise supper I was at once where silverware was on the menu & unless you got lucky, you were probably going to be eating your mashed potatoes with your hands. However, they informed me that I was getting silverware. To keep. For free. I no longer needed counseling. And then, the most amazing thing happened: I got dessert first! Score! I informed the others that it's always important to eat dessert first, because you never know when the rapture will happen. They said they didn't know why I was worried about that. Apparently, they did not notice my angelic aura.
Sierra was immensely proud of herself for walking barefoot in the snow. I was not impressed, so I went out and walked to the mailbox and back. She was not to be outdone & came with me, I'm not sure why, because she was yelling insults at me the entire way. It was even the Sabbath. For shame. She liked me again, though, after her feet thawed out. I don't know why.
Of course, we had great fun freezing ourselves half to death. On the day of insanity: the air temp was 17 degrees, but of course Lake Michigan was much warmer, at a balmy 33, with small chunks of floating ice. It was splendid. We had to stand around on the icy bank for a while, during which time the thought actually crossed my mind for the first time: "It's rather cold out here. Why am I doing this?" I actually think the last part of this thought got stuck at my mouth as it was flying across my brain & ended up coming out in a half-yell.
When our enter/exit spot was chosen & everyone was ready, we were told to take off our coats so we could get pictures. I think it had something to do with everyone doing something epic in matching t-shirts, but at the time I didn't really care. I was, well...COLD. So I just jumped up & down & yelled a bit, pausing every now & then to look photogenic. Finally, they were done torturing us, and we were told we could now enter the water, which I did. By the way, doing epic things are much more fun if you do them in your own style, so I entered (and exited) the water in what else but jeans? Anyways, during the whole trudge towards deeper water, I didn't feel cold at all. Shocking. When I was deep enough, I plunged all the way in, and when I came out, I felt... well...FRIGID. Note to self: next time, do not come out, just stay in & all will be well in the world. Until the bubbles stop. I attempted a howl, but it just came out like more of a screech. I then proceeded to hightail it out of the water, yelling stuff about coldness the entire way, but it also came out rather unintelligible. Someone thought it sounded like a warrior yell, & told me they were rather inspired as they were heading in, so I will just pretend that is what I was going for. You should know: yelling is an essential part of polar bear plunging.
Once out, I wrapped my head in a towel, put on a hoodie & coat & hopped in a cooler of warm water to trick myself into thinking I was warm. It didn't work. Then, I mostly just stood there, apparently looking frozen because people kept offering warm things to me. Once everyone was out & sufficiently wrapped in dry clothes, we walked to the vehicles. At this point, I have a distinct impression that *some people* doubted my ability to operate a vehicle, but I assured them I was good, and then proceeded to drive back. I really don't know what their deal was.
I pretty much spent the next, oh...I don't know...20 hours or so sleeping & shivering & of course, feeling good about my life.
But then, it snowed some more, so of course we had to go sledding. As we were hauling a bunch of tubes to a hill, we walked past a piece of a broken plastic saucer, left to die by its cold-hearted owner. I grabbed it & declared ownership. I tried it, but it really didn't work, so I deserted it and just used the tubes. Cruel & unusual, I know. After bit, I got bored of going down the hill in the normal way & decided to introduce all the Southerners to my family's style sledding. Basically, you see how many people you can pack onto one sled/tube/whatever and still make it to the bottom of the hill. We started with a medium sized tube & after each successful trip, we added one more person. On one trip, I fell off, but refused to let go, so I got dragged all the way to the bottom; it was epic. Actually, it was just cold. We eventually got 6 people on the tube & made a successful run. But then there were no more volunteers & we decided we wanted to watch Gracie roll to the bottom in a t-shirt. For the record, she can not roll straight...at all.
The next day, we went to a park thingy, where there was a body of water that the Wisconsinites call a river. Folks... it's actually a creek, but whatever. It had frozen over in some places, and then had several inches of snow on top. I suggested that it could probably be crossed, and of course Gracie replied with, "After you." So, I walked across, after all, if I had broken through, my feet & legs where the only things that would get wet. But it doesn't matter because the ice did not break and Gracie, because she said she would if I did, followed. I guess Whitney preferred to guarantee her warm, dry state, because she didn't come. We wandered around & saw lots of trees & snow & patches of grass. For being in the middle of a city, it was nice. Both Gracie & I managed to break through random ice at one point. It was lame. I got cold; I have no clue why my body thermostat was messed up. Really.
 |
| Doesn't this make you want to jump in? |
 |
| Self-explanatory |
 |
| The attempted howl |
 |
| Ta-da! |
All in all, it was a very good week. Oh, and for the record, I might possibly know who was responsible for the alleged snowmen on the random sidewalk.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
My side of the story
Hi, so far on this blog, you've heard the perspective of Sara herself. I think it's high time that you, her beloved followers got another side of the story. See, since it is so difficult for her to lug her humongous frame about everywhere, I, Calvin, get the so called privilege of doing so for her. Ok, enough with the diplomatic facade. The big tub of lard puts me through you-wouldn't-imagine-what. Even now, she is trying all sorts of unethical means to try to keep me from finishing this post. Any way, she gets this retarded notion to just, ya know, leave. So she comes out and wakes me up way too early in the morning, and gets in. I'm like "Dude, what's your problem?? It's bad enough having to haul you around, and you want me to do it at this hour of the morning?!" but she just ignores me, as usual, and continues to settle her weighty form into the drivers seat. What can I do? I'm just a car. And people wonder why I grumble and growl so much. If she tells you that I sound like that because somebody did something cool to me, don't listen. That's just me protesting about having her for an owner. Oh yeah, I was telling about her 'epic' departure. Well, she yanks back the shift stick like she's trying to break it or something. Maybe that's why it's cracked and lying under the dash. I couldn't talk any sense into that thick head of hers. She just kept forcing me to do one thing after another. Finally, I couldn't take it any more. My alternator was shot, so I flashed a few lights, whirled a few dials at her and died. She was not happy, but I really didn't care. She deserved everything. Whoops, she's coming back with a very sinister look on her face. I should post this before she starts getting violent.
-Calvin
-Calvin
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