I suppose it's that time of year. Ya know, when everybody suddenly remembers how amazing their mother is. It's the one day of the year that people realize..."Oh my word! I appreciate my mom! I think I shall express it by buying flowers & giving them to her."
Well, I think you should all be aware that I appreciate my mom. I appreciate all the normal mom things she did, like making food for me, washing my clothes, and attempting to raise me on the straight & narrow. However, in case you didn't know and couldn't guess, my mother is not a typical mother, and I also appreciate this. This is my excuse for doing insane things in life, I think it is a rather good one. Anyways, back to my mom. She's a unique, awesome brand of not normal. She rides motorcycle, hunts deer & insults her kids constantly, among other things. Here's a little of what I get to deal with on a regular basis:
Mom calling me while I was on the road: "I can't wait for you to come home, we're gonna make monster cookies!"
Me: "Monster cookies?"
Mom: "Yeah, we're gonna press your face in dough!"
"I'm not worried about you having enough money to come home, I'm worried about you having enough money to leave again."
At home, after I woke up & walked into the kitchen: "Um, dear, I'm really sorry...but that beauty sleep really isn't working out for you."
"Dear, when are you leaving again? I would like to fund your absence."
*Takes off glasses* "Oh, you are a lovely-er sight without the glasses."
"I hate kids! I hate them!!!!!"
Me: "Mom, I was born this way"
Mom: "Hmm...I thought maybe that's what happened."
Some nice, polite person to me: "How long were you away? "
Mom: "Not long enough!"
"I have decided to turn a new leaf. For the first half of my life, I have been un-emotional, so for the rest of it, I'm going to be an emotional wreck." *breaks down sobbing*
After I informed Mom that a friend's mother wanted to meet her: "What did you tell her about me?"
Me: "Only true things, Mom."
Mom: "STOP TELLING PEOPLE TRUE THINGS ABOUT ME! Seriously, though, that's fine...I'm not ashamed of who I am."
Me: "Mom, you should be aware that I am saving up quotes from you to post on the world-wide-web on Mother's Day."
Mom: "Oh, you look lovely today, absolutely lovely!"
And last but not least... my all-time favorite:
Me: "Can I go to the store with you?"
Mom: "Sure, as long as you stay 20 feet away from me at all times, and not say embarrasing things like 'Hey, Mom!'"
Yep, there should be no doubt in anyone's mind about how I got to be this way.
I love you, Mom! You are the best-est ever! I mean...who else can brag that their bike got totaled by their mom?
With God life has no limits, because death has no victory.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Tell the world I'm coming home
So, I was headed for Mississippi, to Uncle Goody & Aunt Francis's place to help them out for a couple days. They moved down from PA about 16 years ago, but they still retained their very thick, PA Dutch accents. I love listening to it. Especially when they are talking to someone with a deep southern twang. It is hilarious.
Goody: "Vell, now, these people down here, vell they call us da Germans. They vant to know how long ve been in the United States. Haha!"
I got there in the evening, and no sooner was I through the door, and Francis was feeding me. She's a good cook & loves to feed people. The whole time I was there, it didn't matter how much I ate, I obviously hadn't eaten enough. Because, don't you know...I was thinner than the last time she saw me. She also has this thing about putting as many different kinds of food on the table as possible. One day at lunch, I counted 8 different kinds of food, not counting dessert, which she apologized for because she only had ice-cream & pudding. Well, ok then. Apology accepted.
A couple days after I got there, my dad came down with Steve & Kale and spent some time. When we heard their truck pull in, Goody remarked, "Vell, there goes da peace & quiet." He couldn't have been more right, because for the next day & a half, people where talking non-stop, Goody keeping up with the best of them. I'm convinced that half the time, nobody was listening to anyone else, because everybody was talking about something, all at the same time. I just listened to whoever was most interesting at the moment, and when nobody was interesting, I mowed grass. The ADD in me was happy.
On Sunday, we headed to the Mississippi delta region, to cousin Jackie's, to help raise a barn. I mostly just dug holes- we had to dig 18 of them by hand, which we did in a mere couple of hours...without hitting a single rock. Shocking. I also learning that if you spit on your hands before you use a shovel, you will not get blisters. Disgusting. I got blisters. We managed to get the foundation form ready for concrete before breaking for supper, where I proceeded to out-eat everybody. Aunt Francis must be getting through to me.
That evening, Jackie decided to show Dad & I around the levy, so we headed out on a couple of four-wheelers, Jackie & Dad on one & me & Callie on another. We rode out on the levy for a few miles, then headed on some trails to the river. We got there just as the sun was setting, and watched a few barges. It was lovely. When it started getting dark, we started getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, so we decided to head back. We went a grand total of 100 yards and Jackie sunk the four-wheeler in a mud hole. Like really sunk. Like mud-above-the-axles-sunk. And Mississippi mud is nasty- it's like a cross between peanut butter & wet tar.
After thinking positive thoughts in the general direction of the four-wheeler & peanut-tar hole, and realizing that it didn't help, we stood there and laughed our heads off. Actually, it was mostly Callie & I that were laughing. We then proceeded to squish all 4 of us onto the un-stuck four-wheeler, and head back. We grabbed a rope & shovel & headed back to the peanut-tar hole. Dad made a very heroic effort to dig around the four-wheeler. The peanut tar was not satisfied with the four-wheeler & tried to eat Dad & the shovel as well. Finally, he gave up on digging & and we tied the rope to it & pulled with the other four-wheeler. I prepared to push from the back, and I must admit I did not expect the peanut-tar to give up easily, so I pushed with my whole body. Well, it just so happened that the four-wheeler popped out with surprising speed, leaving me to nearly face-plant in the hole. Notice...I said nearly. My foot went up & my head went down, but I managed to catch myself mere inches from having a face full of peanut-tar. Oh, I should mention that I happened to be wearing white sneakers, because I left all 3 pairs of my boots in TX accidentally. Needless to say, after this, the sneakers no longer resembled anything close to white.
The next day, Dad, Calvin & I left to head homeward. It was a splendid drive... we solved all the world's problems, fought over what kind of music got played, and stopped to visit Merriweather Lewis's grave. We arrived in Nashville that evening, and stopped to see Damar. He took us to The Old Spaghetti Factory, and showed us around downtown Nashville. Random country songs where playing continuously in my head. Dad & I really wanted to go honky-tonk hopping, but it was pouring down rain; he didn't feel like getting wet & I didn't feel like getting cold. We spent the night north of Nashville, and were on our way the next morning.
We stopped for a few hours at the insane asylum in KY, where four of my friends currently reside. I should probably be admitted as well, but I prefer to wander the country, spreading insanity far & wide. Either way, it was nice to see them. I discovered that just because Naomi claims to be living in silence doesn't really mean there is anything silent about it. We also established that Janelle is going to hell in a hand basket, with me driving, but I think we already knew that.
We hung around until all four of them deserted me to go to work (humph...responsible friends), then Dad & I hit the road...managing to make it home that night.
Goody: "Vell, now, these people down here, vell they call us da Germans. They vant to know how long ve been in the United States. Haha!"
I got there in the evening, and no sooner was I through the door, and Francis was feeding me. She's a good cook & loves to feed people. The whole time I was there, it didn't matter how much I ate, I obviously hadn't eaten enough. Because, don't you know...I was thinner than the last time she saw me. She also has this thing about putting as many different kinds of food on the table as possible. One day at lunch, I counted 8 different kinds of food, not counting dessert, which she apologized for because she only had ice-cream & pudding. Well, ok then. Apology accepted.
A couple days after I got there, my dad came down with Steve & Kale and spent some time. When we heard their truck pull in, Goody remarked, "Vell, there goes da peace & quiet." He couldn't have been more right, because for the next day & a half, people where talking non-stop, Goody keeping up with the best of them. I'm convinced that half the time, nobody was listening to anyone else, because everybody was talking about something, all at the same time. I just listened to whoever was most interesting at the moment, and when nobody was interesting, I mowed grass. The ADD in me was happy.
On Sunday, we headed to the Mississippi delta region, to cousin Jackie's, to help raise a barn. I mostly just dug holes- we had to dig 18 of them by hand, which we did in a mere couple of hours...without hitting a single rock. Shocking. I also learning that if you spit on your hands before you use a shovel, you will not get blisters. Disgusting. I got blisters. We managed to get the foundation form ready for concrete before breaking for supper, where I proceeded to out-eat everybody. Aunt Francis must be getting through to me.
That evening, Jackie decided to show Dad & I around the levy, so we headed out on a couple of four-wheelers, Jackie & Dad on one & me & Callie on another. We rode out on the levy for a few miles, then headed on some trails to the river. We got there just as the sun was setting, and watched a few barges. It was lovely. When it started getting dark, we started getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, so we decided to head back. We went a grand total of 100 yards and Jackie sunk the four-wheeler in a mud hole. Like really sunk. Like mud-above-the-axles-sunk. And Mississippi mud is nasty- it's like a cross between peanut butter & wet tar.
After thinking positive thoughts in the general direction of the four-wheeler & peanut-tar hole, and realizing that it didn't help, we stood there and laughed our heads off. Actually, it was mostly Callie & I that were laughing. We then proceeded to squish all 4 of us onto the un-stuck four-wheeler, and head back. We grabbed a rope & shovel & headed back to the peanut-tar hole. Dad made a very heroic effort to dig around the four-wheeler. The peanut tar was not satisfied with the four-wheeler & tried to eat Dad & the shovel as well. Finally, he gave up on digging & and we tied the rope to it & pulled with the other four-wheeler. I prepared to push from the back, and I must admit I did not expect the peanut-tar to give up easily, so I pushed with my whole body. Well, it just so happened that the four-wheeler popped out with surprising speed, leaving me to nearly face-plant in the hole. Notice...I said nearly. My foot went up & my head went down, but I managed to catch myself mere inches from having a face full of peanut-tar. Oh, I should mention that I happened to be wearing white sneakers, because I left all 3 pairs of my boots in TX accidentally. Needless to say, after this, the sneakers no longer resembled anything close to white.
The next day, Dad, Calvin & I left to head homeward. It was a splendid drive... we solved all the world's problems, fought over what kind of music got played, and stopped to visit Merriweather Lewis's grave. We arrived in Nashville that evening, and stopped to see Damar. He took us to The Old Spaghetti Factory, and showed us around downtown Nashville. Random country songs where playing continuously in my head. Dad & I really wanted to go honky-tonk hopping, but it was pouring down rain; he didn't feel like getting wet & I didn't feel like getting cold. We spent the night north of Nashville, and were on our way the next morning.
We stopped for a few hours at the insane asylum in KY, where four of my friends currently reside. I should probably be admitted as well, but I prefer to wander the country, spreading insanity far & wide. Either way, it was nice to see them. I discovered that just because Naomi claims to be living in silence doesn't really mean there is anything silent about it. We also established that Janelle is going to hell in a hand basket, with me driving, but I think we already knew that.
We hung around until all four of them deserted me to go to work (humph...responsible friends), then Dad & I hit the road...managing to make it home that night.
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