How I got to be this way.

I suppose it's that time of year. Ya know, when everybody suddenly remembers how amazing their mother is. It's the one day of the year that people realize..."Oh my word! I appreciate my mom! I think I shall express it by buying flowers & giving them to her."

Well, I think you should all be aware that I appreciate my mom. I appreciate all the normal mom things she did, like making food for me, washing my clothes, and attempting to raise me on the straight & narrow. However, in case you didn't know and couldn't guess, my mother is not a typical mother, and I also appreciate this. This is my excuse for doing insane things in life, I think it is a rather good one. Anyways, back to my mom. She's a unique, awesome brand of not normal. She rides motorcycle, hunts deer & insults her kids constantly, among other things. Here's a little of what I get to deal with on a regular basis:


Mom calling me while I was on the road: "I can't wait for you to come home, we're gonna make monster cookies!"
Me: "Monster cookies?"
Mom: "Yeah, we're gonna press your face in dough!"

"I'm not worried about you having enough money to come home, I'm worried about you having enough money to leave again."

 At home, after I woke up & walked into the kitchen: "Um, dear, I'm really sorry...but that beauty sleep really isn't working out for you."

"Dear, when are you leaving again? I would like to fund your absence."

*Takes off glasses* "Oh, you are a lovely-er sight without the glasses."

"I hate kids! I hate them!!!!!"

Me: "Mom, I was born this way"
Mom: "Hmm...I thought maybe that's what happened."

Some nice, polite person to me: "How long were you away? "
Mom: "Not long enough!"

"I have decided to turn a new leaf. For the first half of my life, I have been un-emotional, so for the rest of it, I'm going to be an emotional wreck." *breaks down sobbing*

After I informed Mom that a friend's mother wanted to meet her: "What did you tell her about me?"
Me: "Only true things, Mom."
Mom: "STOP TELLING PEOPLE TRUE THINGS ABOUT ME! Seriously, though, that's fine...I'm not ashamed of who I am."

Me: "Mom, you should be aware that I am saving up quotes from you to post on the world-wide-web on Mother's Day."
Mom: "Oh, you look lovely today, absolutely lovely!"

And last but not least... my all-time favorite:

Me: "Can I go to the store with you?"
Mom: "Sure, as long as you stay 20 feet away from me at all times, and not say embarrasing things like 'Hey, Mom!'"

Yep, there should be no doubt in anyone's mind about how I got to be this way.

I love you, Mom! You are the best-est ever! I mean...who else can brag that their bike got totaled by their mom?