I realize this blog post is a little late. Never mind, it is very late. Excuse me, I have been busy living my life. I hope you have been busy living yours…if you have spent all your time on the internet waiting for me to write, I’m sorry. I recommend that you go find a psychiatrist.
I ended up spending more time at home than I expected to. Mostly because Mom’s greatest fear came true: I did not have enough money to leave again. So I spent all my extra time looking for & working odd jobs: pruning an apple orchard, planting a garden, landscaping, etc. Thank you, my thumb happens to be rather green.
It just so happened that I was home for my birthday. Rosie got me malted milk eggs left over from Easter, which she hid in the yard & told me I would get no hints. However, I barely started looking & she practically told me where they were. I guess that’s “no hints” to a seven-year-old. Humph.
That evening, half the family was home & Dad declared that he was ready to party. I decided we should kick off the night with Lady Gaga at a volume level that half the neighborhood could hear. Carrie, Rosie & I looked completely demented as we performed the zombie dance, which Carrie invented at my cousin’s wedding. It is pretty much the only kind of dancing I can do, mostly because I have great talent in acting demented. Then the music turned to greater & grander things, namely ZZ Top. That was when Dad decided that Rosie’s stick horse would make an excellent guitar, and proceeded to jam on it. Mom joined him as the lead singer, using a different end of a different stick horse as a microphone. Then Sam came home & announced that the music could be heard when he turned onto our road. He joined the party by getting his fox out, putting sunglasses on it & slow dancing with it. At one point, we all tried to look like we were dancing an Irish jig, but mostly we just jumped around with our hands on our hips. Yep, it was a splendid birthday party. Oh, and the subwoofer just might have fallen off the shelf from being turned up too loud, but there is no proof.
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| Rosie rocking the stick horse. I really think she has talent. |
Several nights later, Dad was burning a massive brush pile. Massive bonfires call for massive tribal dances, don’t you think? Well, at least Carrie agreed with me. We then bribed Aaron into dancing, got Sam to drum on a 5-gallon bucket & Mom got her face painted with black soot. By the end of the night, we were all fighting over the Hannah Montana wig & smoking grapevine. I have no idea what Hannah Montana has to do with tribal dancing, and for your information, grapevine really doesn’t make you high. Really. I am able to act high all on my own.
I finally amassed enough money to leave again, due in part to the fact that I sold Calvin. Yes, sadness, I know…I made a lot of memories with him, but I couldn’t afford to keep him & my bike: Samson. And, since the weather was warm, well…I guess I should admit… I was partial to Samson. Either way, I spent the next couple days alternating between being thrilled about my current wealth & being depressed about selling Calvin.
Even with enough money, leaving did not happen immediately, mostly because Gracie rode up on her bike & was going to leave with me, and of course, she brought rain. Because she is Gracie. So while we waited for the rain to clear, we just sat around & twiddled our thumbs, because that what we always do.
Things I learned while twiddling my thumbs:
Ripping out ceilings make for great anger management, in fact I’m going to start a demolition & counseling program. “Here, rip this drywall to shreds while you talk about your problems. Or don’t talk, just rip, I promise you will feel better about your life.”
Don’t go to the Pagoda at 11:30 at night. It will be awkward.
Sometimes, people randomly rapture & leave half full bottles of American Honey at random locations.
When you get pulled over by an angry cop and have forgotten your driver’s license, try using your EMT card.
Anyways, just when we had all forgotten what the sun looked like & I had decided it would rain for the rest of my life, we got what appeared to be a break in the weather. We strapped our junk onto our bikes, said goodbye & left. A half hour later, we were riding through rain. Of course. Thankfully, it only lasted long enough for us to get all wet, then it stopped.
I was leading, Gracie following & it was going good until somewhere in West Virginia, when Gracie pulled around to the front & stopped on the side of the road to inform me that one of my saddlebags had blown off the back & nearly took her out. Pathetic. I didn’t know saddlebags just unsnapped, unzippered and unattached themselves. Apparently mine do. We walked back to see if we could salvage anything, while I racked my brain trying to figure out what all I lost, therefore judging how depressed I should be. We found the bag completely pancaked & stuff strewn all over the interstate. Lovely. I had all my EMT equipment in it, plus some other odds & ends. I managed to salvage a few things & we had a heartfelt funeral for the rest. I did find a random charm necklace & put it on Samson for good luck.
Good luck it did not bring, because some miles down the road, my magic atlas blew off & shredded to bits. Humph. I was rather fond of it. Some miles further, my bike sputtered & died. I parked it on the shoulder & discovered that it was out of gas. Gracie & I took her bike to find a station. We stopped at a red light on the way, & I decided that with the current luck, the bike would probably not be big enough to trip the light & we would be eternally stuck at a red light. I decided to test my theory & bet five bucks on it. I lost the five bucks. Did I mention it was a splendid day? We arrived at the station, and discussed how I could buy a gas tank for $13.00, or go the illegal route by buying a gallon of water for $1.50 and using the jug. After choosing the best option, we filled up & rode back to my bike. Gas proved to be the answer to the problem & we were on our way once again.
At about 11:00 that night, with a couple hours to go until we reached our destination, we stopped to get gas & Gracie announced that I looked like I just woke up. Apparently, it is a bad plan to ride a bike in this condition. And, it was getting rather cold. We rode a few more miles, then hit a back road. We found a place to pull off and parked the bikes next to a random field, where we pitched a tent & slept for the night. Actually, we froze all night & slept when the sun came out in the morning. Anyways, it was epic.
The next day was gorgeous, I did not lose anymore stuff, the bikes did not sputter or die, and we finally reached our destination in KY, all in one piece. Always a plus, don’t you think?
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